FORKNI-L Digest - 22 Dec 2001 to 23 Dec 2001 (#2001-381)
Sun, 23 Dec 2001
There are 5 messages totalling 302 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
1. Harvest of the Damned Redux: The Alternate Ending!
2. Nick's phone number: 867-5309
3. Season's Greetings
5. Admin: Forkni-l Rules
Date: Sat, 22 Dec 2001 20:26:50 -0600
From: "Nancy E. Kaminski" <nancykam@m.......>
Subject: Harvest of the Damned Redux: The Alternate Ending!
Harvest of the Damned Redux
or Attack of the Killer Kumquats
by Nancy Kaminski
(c) December 2001
A number of people have written to me commenting that Nick shouldn't
have sent the kumquat gift basket to Natalie (I thought she'd like the
t-shirt, myself) but rather, should have sent it to --- yup, you
guessed it --- Lacroix. Eep!
Once again I can take a hint. Herewith is...
HARVEST OF THE DAMNED REDUX: THE ALTERNATE ENDING
In a short half hour it was all over. The parade wended its way
back to the high school parking lot, where Nick deposited the
Queen and her court with their mothers amid effusive thanks and
As he started to dismantle the decorations on the Caddy, Beth
Ann's mother approached him. "Oh, Mr. Knight, I can't tell you
how much this meant to Beth Ann. Thanks ever so much," she said,
smiling. He saw her nose twitch once as the scent of the Skin-So-
Silky hit her, but her smile dimmed only slightly. Nick had to
give the residents of St. Joseph high marks for diplomacy.
"You're quite welcome, Mrs. Stawicky," he said as he struggled to
collect an armful of crepe paper streamers. "I'm happy I could
"We have a little something for you," she continued. "Arthur!"
she yelled over her shoulder. "Get over here!"
Out of the melee of a marching band, a tall, thin man approached
bearing a large object. He looked uncannily like Bob the Wonder
Mechanic, and Nick pegged him as his son. Arthur handed a large
basket to his wife, who turned and presented it to Nick. "Here's
a little memento of the occasion, with our thanks. I hope you
Nick automatically held out his hands to receive the basket. The
whining in his ears immediately intensified. He looked at it with
Kumquats. More bloody kumquats. A basket full of kumquat jam,
kumquat candy, ripe kumquats, a rolled-up t-shirt which Nick
assumed had kumquats on it, a booklet which no doubt told the
Story of Kumquats, and heaven only knew what else. It was, in
short Vampire Hell in a Basket.
"Oh," he said faintly. "Uh, thanks." He looked around helplessly. What
on earth was he going to do with the monstrous thing?
And then inspiration hit. The inspiration took root and blossomed in
his brain. He had had such inspirations before, and had often regretted
having them. He had a feeling this was one of those times, but it was
just too enticing to resist. He had always been impulsive, he told
himself. It was part of his charm. Besides, he was out of range, at
least for the next couple of weeks.
He deposited the basket on the trunk of the car and smiled winningly
at Mrs. Stawicky. "Could I ask you a big favor?" he asked the middle-
aged woman. "I'm going to be on the road for the next two weeks, and
I'm afraid this lovely gift basket will get spoiled if I keep it with
me in the car." He fished twenty-five dollars out of his wallet and
held out the bills. "Could you please ship it to my friend in Toronto?
He can take care of it until I get home." He turned on the full
wattage of his boyish charm.
Mrs. Stawicky blushed alarmingly and, for a moment, resembled her
teenage daughter. "I, uh, I'd be happy to do that. FedEx? UPS?"
"Whichever will get it there the fastest," Nick replied, folding the
bills into her hand. "I wouldn't want any of the kumquats to go bad
without being appreciated by someone. Here, I'll write down the
address for you, and let me just write a little note to put in the
Nick rummaged in the glove compartment and came up with a Metro
Toronto Police notepad and a pen. He wrote,
"Here's a little souvenir of my trip to Florida. Please enjoy it
with my thanks for your help with my recent dilemma. I know you'll
know exactly what you can do with all these kumquats.
He folded the note neatly in half and tucked it into the basket where
it was easily seen. "There. Oh, wait." He reached again into the front
seat of the Caddy and retrieved the second bottle of Skin-So-Silky, He
put it in the basket next to the note. "There, all ready to go," he
said brightly. "I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed my stay in St.
Joseph. It's been so very --- educational."
Waving, he watched the Stawickys walk away with his gift basket, then
finished removing the decorations from the Caddy. He climbed into the
driver's seat and turned the key. The engine caught sweetly on the
first try and settled into a deep-throated rumble. "Aaaah," he sighed
as he motored away from the center of the kumquat festivities. The
engine sounded like it would last another thirty-five years, thanks to
Bob the Wonder Mechanic. The lights of St. Joseph retreated behind him
and he was soon driving amid the kumquat groves, now reduced to black
shadows in the night.
As he headed towards the Gulf coast, he wondered idly how long it
would take Lacroix to plan some suitable revenge. Maybe, he mused, he
should move to Fort Lauderdale, buy a houseboat, and become a private
investigator, a sort of nocturnal Travis McGee. He already had the
offbeat car, after all. And the advantage of a houseboat over a loft
is that it could sail away and get lost among the Florida keys, making
it that much more difficult for Lacroix to find him.
He suddenly got the picture of a vengeful Lacroix glowering at him,
clad not in his usual black but rather in the kumquat t-shirt, and
grinned. He mentally added a baseball cap, cutoff jeans, and flip-flops,
producing the image of an angry Jimmy Buffett concert-goer wrongfully
deprived of his margarita, and laughed out loud.
The Caddy disappeared into the Florida night, the sound of a lone
tenor voice singing a Jimmy Buffett song hanging in the air.
"Vaaaampires, mummies and the Holy Ghost,
"These are the things that terrify me the most.
"No aliens, psychopaths, or MTV host
"Scares me like vaaaampires, mummies and the Holy Ghost."
Note: For those who don't know who Travis McGee is, he is a character created by
John D. McDonald. There was a long series of wonderful novels written about
McGee's adventures as a sort of cynical private investigator in Florida, all of
which featured a color in the title. I highly recommend them.
"Vampires, Mummies and the Holy Ghost" is of course a Jimmy Buffett song from
the album, "Fruitcakes." Great music for driving!
Date: Sat, 22 Dec 2001 22:32:43 EST
Subject: Re: Nick's phone number: 867-5309
Actually replying to a couple of posts here...
<<< > And I think it was by either Rick Springfield or
> Tommy Tutone. >>>
"867-5309" Jenny was definitely Tommy Tutone. I wonder how he knew Jenny
<<< Actually it's "Ricky don't lose that number" by Steely Dan
>"Billy don't be a hero" by (I can't remember who) >>>
For what it's worth, Phil Collins recorded an inexplicably very popular song
called "Don't Lose My Number" which contained lyrics "Billy, Billy don't you
lose my number....." and so on. (What can I say, I was a teenager in the
80's.) That's probably what the poster way back when was remembering when he
or she was trying to remember the "867-5309 Jenny" lyrics.
I think Schanke should've kept a closer eye on that daughter of
his...scandalous, a cop's daughter's name and number being written on a men's
Becky -- DFKS, DK, IB, DT, UF, Ravenette, Cousin, FOD
We're cut adrift, but still floating. I'm only hanging on to watch you go
down...my love. (Bono, U2)
The world was bankrupted of ten million fine actions the night she passed on.
(paraphrased from Ray Bradbury's F. 451, in memory of Libby M.)
Date: Mon, 24 Dec 2001 01:00:56 +1000
From: Taliesyn <taliesyn@c.......>
Subject: Season's Greetings
Season's Greetings to all and a Happy Solstice and a
Happy Saturnalia to all the FK list's, eat drink enjoy
after all it only happens once a year live it up and have a
laugh and a good time with friends and family!
To all those of other faiths the appropriate Salutations.
Alexander J Braun - Taliesyn@c....... - ICQ # 12610993
"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I
thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the
terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?
So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of
the universe". Marcus, B5
Date: Sun, 23 Dec 2001 11:11:21 EST
From: Jeannie Ecklund <Gersknightlady@c.......>
Subject: Re: Nigel
My TV Guide shows a move on Family (FAM) Channel coming on at 1:00pm (Sunday
Dec.23), Its called "Lies He Told", Nigel is listed as Commanding Officer.
Since his name is there maybe the parts a good sized one. We can hope.
Date: Sun, 23 Dec 2001 13:32:49 -0500
From: mclisa <mclisa@m.......>
Subject: Admin: Forkni-l Rules
Merry Christmas and Happy Kwanzaa!
McLisa and Don
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contact Don Fasig <Argent@e.......> or Lisa McDavid
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End of FORKNI-L Digest - 22 Dec 2001 to 23 Dec 2001 (#2001-381)
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