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Logfile LOG9605B Part 4

May 10, 1996

File: "FORKNI-L LOG9605B" Part 4

	TOPICS (Continuing "List Wars" from part 3):
	FK War II: Ornamentation
	July 4-early July 5 [part 2/2]
	FK WarsII: Alma's message
	FK Wars 2:  Strategy 101
	FK Wars II: More Die-Hards
	Leaflets: The Distribution
	FKWar2: Mmmm! Barneyburgers! [part 1/2]
	FKWAR II- A FOSsil enters the fray [part 1/2]
	KF Wars II: A mysterious message [part 1/2]
	KF Wars II: A mysterious message [part 2/2]
	FKWar2: Mmmm! Barneyburgers![part2/2]
	FKWars2: Dino-Therapy...
	Friends of Sidney on Alert
	FKWAR II- A FOSsil enters the fray [part 2/2]
	FKwars2: Family Feud Does Not Include Felines

Date:         Wed, 6 Jul 1994 09:47:23 -0500
From: "Sharon S. Scott" <SCOTTS@b.......>
Subject:      FK War II: Ornamentation

I arrived in State College, PA, at 6 a.m.  The map on my froggie
t-shirt showed me the way to a certain Cousin's apartment. I hid in
the shadows until I saw her leave for work.

I got into her apartment using the key Nick had so kindly provided.
Trouble was no trouble at all--that dog is a pushover for Good Boy
Choc Drops. It was an <ahem> interesting apartment, much like
Sandy-rah had described it during that boozy night when LaCroix and
Blackadder met.

But I had come for one reason only--at Nicholah's behest--and I had
to get busy and get back to Waco in time for work.  So I went into
the kitchen, grabbed a trash bag from under the sink, and proceeded
to stuff the dreaded object I had come for into it.  It made a very
strange-looking package, pointy bits trying to poke through the
plastic of the trash bag. If anyone asked me what it was, I'd have
a hard time explaining it, but I was learning how to prevaricate
from the Cousins.

I found her car in the employee parking lot. It looked pretty good
after the explosion in the last war. She must have a good mechanic.

Now to attach the damn thing.  Luckily I had my handy-dandy
cordless drill in my purse. One of those items I never go anywhere
without, just in case. You never know when you're going to have to
drill someone. Excuse me, that should be drill *something*. <smile>

I inserted a 9/16ths inch bit, and tightened the chuck.  Picking
just the right place, I drilled 2 holes in the car, and 2 in the
... thing ... and attached it to the car.

And then stood back and admired my work. Just the right touch.
She'd hate it. And after all, wasn't it dear Uncle who said "hate
is a step in the right direction"?

I *wanted* to hang around to watch her face when she came out of
the building and spotted the car. I really did want to, but I had
places to go, things to do, people to annoy.

Dear Laurie. What would she say when she saw Irving the Dead Deer
Head mounted on the hood of her car?

Sharon S.
Date:         Wed, 6 Jul 1994 12:46:15 EDT
From: Pamela Rush <PKRUSH01@u.......>
Subject:      July 4-early July 5 [part 2/2]--------------------------------

Later still, 4:45 am, July 5:  Toronto

   After the clutch of Cousins had been sent on their various
nefarious errands hours before, Cousin Margaret had hurried to
complete her tasks so that she could sneak back to Uncle's digs at
just this early hour when dawn was a mere promise in the eastern
   Her insatiable curiosity overcoming her usual good sense, she
had let herself in silently and stood, cautiously checking for
sound or movement, just inside the door.  He *ought* to be asleep
-- just.
   Pamela had taunted her and double-dared her, but Cousin Margaret
had maintained a dignified silence, indicating just how crass she
considered the FoDly request with a mere lifting of an aristocratic
eyebrow.  But the truth was...the *terrible* truth was...that
*even* Margaret herself did NOT know what kind of underwear LaCroix
wore!  And the suspense was killing her!  Just a quick peek in his
closet; he would never know.
   But as she moved out into the great room, Margaret was shocked
to hear faint sounds of distress from the back and simultaneously
to catch a whiff of an indescribably awful odor.
   What was that incredible smell?
   And what had it done to LaCroix?
   She hurled herself frantically towards the bathroom from which
she could now hear the wretched sounds of someone feeling really,
really unwell.  LaCroix was huddled on the cold, tile floor,
gasping for air as his lungs tried vainly to expunge the awful
   "Who's there?" he croaked out, eyes blurred by red tears.
   "It's Margaret.  What -- "
   "Margaret, get rid of it!  Get it OUT of here!"
   Cousin Margaret sprang to do her master's bidding.  She flicked
on the lights that LaCroix hadn't needed and immediately spotted
the source of the stench permeating the room.  A large manilla
mailer had been ripped open impetuously and delivered its odiferous
contents all over the furniture, the floor and other pieces of
mail.  She hurried to contain the mess in doubled plastic garbage
bags.  As she was scrubbing out any lingering remnants with
PineSol, LaCroix came hesitantly into the room.  A vampire who's
had the dry heaves is a wretched being, but Cousin Margaret was
glad to note that he seemed to be regaining his natural aplomb
   "What *was* that?"
   ""It's the damned FoDs, Sir.  They're totally unconscionable.
I'd heard about it, but I never expected to *see* it...<or scrub it
up>, she added mentally.  "I think that was a quart of 'burgoo
burritos'.  They send the stuff to Detective Schanke."
   "They *hate* him that much?"
   "Well, uh, I think mortals view it rather differently...."
   "Disgusting.  From now on, *you* personally are responsible for
opening all the packages.  Do it in the kitchen -- over the sink."
   "Yes, Sir.  Whatever you say...."
   Darn it.  The underwear sortee would just have to be

<to be continued...>
[end of part
Date:         Wed, 6 Jul 1994 00:42:04 EDT
From: LizBeth258@a.......
Subject:      FK WarsII: Alma's message

There it was.

A message from Alma.

I briefly wondered if Merlin had been keeping tabs on all us
Ravenettes, just to see who was talking to whom.

It wouldn't be GOOD if he came across my message to Cousin Sandye
on the whereabouts of Hazel.

Go to the Raven, hmmmm?

Well, have laptop, will travel.

My editor isn't going to like it.

Then again, he had me working 15-hour shifts all July 4 weekend.

The hell with it. I'm gonna tell him that I have to go visit a sick

In Toronto......
From: Beth Marchese
I just got an urgent call from my Uncle in Toronto. My Aunt was in
a messy car accident. All of the Raven clan (hey, I AM part Indian,
right?) have to be there. I'll call tomorrow to let you know
everything's kosher.
Beth :)

Liz-Hazel :)
Date:         Wed, 6 Jul 1994 01:01:12 EDT
From: "Sharon A. Himmanen" <Romana@a.......>
Subject:      FK Wars 2:  Strategy 101

Strategy 101
Sharon Himmanen

Two email messages were in her box when she logged on, both from
Knighties.  Sharon was pleased--she hadn't yet officially put the
word out to the Knighties, since she wasn't quite sure how to go
about doing it, but as word of the war had spread, two of them had
come to her.  It actually might work this time.

Still annoyed at the shut-down of her university account (something
she was certain a cousin was behind), she composed the following:


From:  Sharon Himmanen
Subj:  Lets work together

You have, of course, heard that the database Janette was
maintaining, which she turned over to Nick, has been stolen by the
Cousins and is now in the hands of LaCroix or one of his minions.
It contains all our application information.

You can be sure that LaCroix and his followers will exploit this
information to the fullest.

We need to work together.  The Cousins were extremely effective
against the Knighties during the last war due to a lack of
organization on your part, their ability to isolate you, and
because Sharon Scott has an easily exploited weakness.

This is what I suggest.

The important thing is to not let anyone become too
isolated--communication and contact are our best weapons right now.
Gather your group together.  If the cousins go after one, then the
rest jump in and help.  I say we let the Cousins know that if they
attack *one*, they have *many* to suddenly deal with at once.  Make
sure they get the message that we're all watching each others backs
loud and clear.  If you want to strike back, try to do it in tandem
with others--keep them busy.  Remember, if we organize, we easily
outnumber them.

Selma, I'm particularly worried about Hilary.  The last contact I
had with her was an email I sent to her instructing her to look at
the back of her VCR for possibly connecting a PAL and an NTSC
machine together.  I have not heard from her since and I have this
terrible image of a very large entertainment unit with two flailing
legs sticking out from behind it.

I'll check with the remaining members of the NatPack.  Gather your
group together.  Find out who you can count on and what resources
they might have at their disposal, computer abilities, a job that
gives them access to special resources, knowledge of a cousin's
weakness (for instance, I have some information about Laurie), etc.

And this need not be limited to members of your own group.  The
more people we can get working together, the better off we'll be.
Keep your ears open.

And stay in regular contact.  If you don't hear from someone when
you're supposed to, go looking for them.

And if the situation becomes serious enough, I have an ace in the
hole . . .

Nat Pack


From:  Sharon Himmanen
Subj:  Progress

Well, I think it actually might work this time.  Two Knighties have
contacted me of their own accord.  I've asked them to gather their
group together and I'll have a better idea of organization and
resources in a few days.

As for the rest of our group, I'll have to check.    --S


Sharon logged quickly on to AOL and sent off both these messages.
So far the Cousins had been relatively quiet--it disturbed her a
little bit, but it also gave her time to plan and organize.

to be continued
Date:         Wed, 6 Jul 1994 14:52:15 -0400
From: Katherine King <king@a.......>
Subject:      FK Wars II: More Die-Hards

"Dawn? Hello? Are you here? ... What _happened_ in here? It looks
like a paper factory exploded! Is this the big emergency?"

"Hi Kathy. Thanks for coming by.  Are you in Hamilton for a
softball game?  Oops, I guess that's fairly obvious from the glove
you're carrying.  It's not an emergency exactly... We just wanted
to make sure that you didn't miss out on anything. You are going to
join our efforts in the war aren't you?"

"I hadn't really decided...I've been really busy with work and

"Come on! You can't sit this out."

"Ok, you're right. I don't want to miss anything."

"Great! I need some help straightening up this mess and besides,
someone has to deliver these leaflets around Toronto."

"And naturally you thought of me because..."

"You have a Metropass and can get around with out buying tokens."

(sigh) "I knew there was more to this than simple concern that I
was going to miss the fun."

                                               Kathy King


Date:         Wed, 6 Jul 1994 12:31:11 -0400
From: "L.D. Steele" <steele@f.......>
Subject:      Leaflets: The Distribution

     Dawn was sitting at the computer at work.  It was one of her
rare free moments and she was trying to think of anything she had
forgotten to do.

     *The leaflets are being distributed, Kathy is taking care of
Toronto and those Mac students will take care of everyone else.
I'm glad I didn't tell them what it was all about, this way if
anyone questions them, they won't have any answers.*

     The mental checklist continued for awhile.  The leaflets might
not be distributed to everyone, but they should be able to reach a
good majority.  *Too bad I'm not a good computer hacker myself, but
Tracy did a good job with Jeanette's computer.  We have a fairly
complete list.  With people changing affiliations at a drop of a
hat these days, the affiliation listing couldn't be trusted. That
isn't a problem for us of course, but other groups who count on it
might have difficulties.*

     *Damn!  I forgot to send out a copy of our charter to the
group leaders!  I'll have to use a courier, but they should be able
to get it by tomorrow.  Those things are <so> expensive, I wish I
had some reserve money coming in.  Can't take it now of course, it
would be a bribe and that's against the charter.*

     Dawn hurried over to her desk and pulled out copies of the
charter.  *Hell! These things are heavy! It's a good thing I wasn't
planning on distributing these suckers to <everyone>.  I'd have to
cut down a couple of forests.*  She went upstairs with the
charters, and her address book to the Federal Express box.  *Let's
see... Janette, LaCroix, Natalie, Nick, Schanke... The rest of them
are easy, but who's the head of the FOD'S?  I haven't heard
anything about their participation in this war.  I know, I'll just
send it to a couple of their members at random.*

      The packages were sealed and dumped into the box.  *I guess
it's too late to back out now.  I have no idea how we'll be
received though.  Indifference, curiosity, animosity, jealousy?
I'll just have to wait and find out.*  Dawn walked quietly back
downstairs.  *We're in now, for better or for worse.  I'll notify
Tracy, and Kathy this afternoon.  Right now it's time for lunch.
I wonder if I should have something with some garlic in it.  I
might need the protection...*

CC: Kathy King <king@a.......>
From: Dawn Steele <steele@fern.physun.physics.ca>
Subject:  It's started
     Well it's too late to back out now.  The leaflets are being
distributed as we speak and copies of the charter are going to the
heads of the various groups.
Die-Hard forever.

     Meanwhile all over the world, colorful leaflets were being
distributed.  Not everyone received them, but the news spread fast.
The message was fairly short.

     To Whom It May Concern:
     Our party is aware that a second war has begun.  We wish to inform
     everyone involved, that we will be playing a more active role this
     If you wish more information, you can contact your group leader.  We
     hope that with our involvement, this war can be conducted with a
     modicum of civility, and lack of bloodshed.

     Yours Sincerely,
     Dawn Steele
     Chief Die-Hard (one-year term)
Date:         Wed, 6 Jul 1994 13:49:00 EDT
From: "Asst. Listowner" <LMS5@p.......>
Subject:      *yawn*

  Laurie stretched a leg out under the coffeetable and continued

Dear Cousin John and Cousin Margaret,

   Found some great FK sound files thought you might like. You (or
anyone for that matter) can FTP them by anonymous user from
FTP.CAC.PSU.EDU or is it FTP.PSU.EDU oh, one of those should work.
Start looking in the directory called 'people'.


  She hoped the two cousins would like the digital sounds or any
one of the many members of the affiliations. Laurie sighed when she
realized that this weekend she would have to start putting the
digests, archives and gifs on the site too. But for now the .wav
file would have to do.
  It is going to be a VERY long week or two... *YAWN*
Date:         Wed, 6 Jul 1994 13:07:20 -0600
From: John Dencoff <jdencoff@u.......>
Subject:      FKWar2: Mmmm! Barneyburgers! [part 1/2]-----------------------

        The Emperor of Harpsichords (when had he gotten that name
anyway? He couldn't quite remember...) stood in almost complete
shock in front of the large delivery truck.

        "...Barney au jus...yep, 'dat be de last o' da shipment,
Mista...uh...Emperah.  Sign here please."

        Cousin John looked on incredulously as workmen continued
piling Barneyburgers on his lawn.  "...Uh, where exactly did you
say this was from?" he queried.

        "Now I don' have nonna dat kinda infomashun, man.  Jus'
sign my release here, and we'll be back in a mo wit' da rest of da
shipments.  'Kay?"  The manager stared at him irritably, holding
out a clipboard.

                *               *               *

        Several hours later, the problem mostly sorted out, John
continued with his work on Nick's files.  He'd barely found the
little trap on the internal modem in time, and he decided to use it
to his advantage.  Fortunately, all of Nick's files were
de-corrupted now, and the Cousins all had safe copies of the files.
But to lose the beautiful laptop...well, it was worth it.
        He scanned randomly through the list of Knights and
Knighties, Nick's fans, and selected a random name:  Brian Gerstel.
Well, he didn't know this person, but at this point any of Nick's
followers would've done.
        Quickly he scribbled down the address, and sent mail to one
of the Cousins in Gerstel's area.  Soon, poor Gerstel would be in
a world of trouble...especially after John anonymously contacted
the FBI with a little crimestopper tip.  And re-installing that
horrid virus on Nick's laptop, of course.

        John suddenly glanced over at LizBeth's rabbit.  It was
attempting to silently munch on its carrot, and gave a small
startle as John walked over.  Those Barneyburgers had been more
than enough for dinner...and breakfast...and lunch.  What was he
going to do with little Hazel?  She was too cute to eat, anyway.
He chided himself over his little caprice:  he would just have to
stop doing these little impulse things and be more clever...like
Uncle had taught him.  Well, he had the rabbit...how could he turn
this into something really devilish?
        He sighed, trying to think of something while offering
little Hazel some of the leftover Barney au jus.

                *               *               *
[end of part

Cousin John
 Emperor of Harpsichords
Date:         Thu, 7 Jul 1994 13:43:00 EDT
From: 'Most Holy <OTTER@d.......>
Subject:      FKWAR II- A FOSsil enters the fray [part 1/2]-----------------

                   A FOSsil Enters the Fray

To the casual observer on the metro train that evening, the bearded
man boarding the Red Line train was just another body to absorb
into the evening crowd.  Few cared enough to look up from the Post
to notice the reddish tint to his eyes.  Further, it is unlikely
most would have understood his kind or his calling that evening.

"Let's see" he thought to himself, if I make it to Union Station by
8:30 I can make my "selection" for Cousin Lisa and still make it
back to the pub for a set or two."   He then recalled that SHE
would be waiting to see his purchase and would not be pleased if he
delayed past her bedtime.  So as the train pulled into the station
and the hoards of post-July 4th tourists muddled the fare machines,
he quickly edged past a particularly annoying group from
Pigsnuckle, Arkansas and headed for the Nature Company and his
intended surprise...He thought back to the events of the past few
days and had followed the early stages of the II FK WAR with
interest.  But it was the abduction of Hazel that had prompted his
conversation earlier with the Siamese...

"Let me get this straight, you_still_ have not decided which
faction to join?"

The one known on the net as "'Most Holy," eyed the cat with some
chagrin.  "Well you now how it is with these lists, if you're not
'In' you can be really 'out' of it."

The Siamese passed across the top of the computer desk and with an
annoyed reach, snatched 'Most Holy's beard so as to look into her
human's eyes.  "I don't care how 'out' of it you are, I've been
reading the downloaded files from the war and there is only one
choice for us, the FOSsils!"

"FOSsils...hmmm.  I had a feeling you were going to say that so I
already contacted The Chief FOSsil and requested permission to send
the Cousins a little 'gift."  'Most Holy batted his eyes at the
cat, "Remember that librarian-Cousin in South Carolina, the one
that the Short One talked about?  Well, she's won the lottery if
you get my meaning!"

"Hah! I knew you couldn't stay out of this for long, seminary or
no, all that time in the military has you eager for a well-run war.
Well now that__We've__chosen sides, what is your plan?"  With an
easy manner, the Siamese had jumped on 'Most Holy's shoulders and
with a flick, switched the screen off...

As 'Most Holy strolled into the Nature Company, he noticed the
time, "Hmmm, 8:15.  Enough time to find the perfect present for a
Cousin and still make it back for a session.   Chewie can just stay
up and watch Letterman's top ten list!"  A short time later, parcel
in hand and a most unholy grin showing through the beard, he showed
his trophy to the Siamese.

"Put that snake down and let's talk!"  The Siamese's rat-like tail
had exploded into it's full caterpillar mode.  "THAT'S what you are
sending!  What is her name again anyway?"

"Um, Lisa-something, McDavid I think."

"Are you sure your name is 'Most Holy?"

"Why do you think there is an apostrophe in front of the "Most"
for? It means _Almost_ Holy!"

"And I'm really a Great Dane!"  The Siamese rolled her eyes (As
best a Siamese can do).  "Well now what?"

"Now my dear cat, in the morning after my bike ride, I stop in at
the mail-room and send this delightful warning, err, gift to Cousin
Lisa by UPS overnight and see if we can't get Hazel back."

"While you're off doing that, I'll be here packing, you know how
annoyed those Cousins can get, if Uncle finds out it was you it
could be trouble."

"Oh, ye of little faith..."

[end of part

Humbly submitted by a FOSsil,

'Most Holy

Date:         Wed, 6 Jul 1994 16:32:00 EDT
From: LizBeth258@a.......
Subject:      KF Wars II: A mysterious message [part 1/2]-------------------

Her first thought when she looked around the fleabag motel she
checked into was: *This is what I get for following orders.*

Her next thought was: *I hope the roaches don't carry me away in
the night.*

That settled it. She was sleeping with the lights ON.

She settled down her suitcase and pulled out her lap-top. After
struggling to connect with the closest AOL node (after hours of
swearing and cursing Steve Case's name), she checked her mailbox.

Praise the Lord! A message from Sandye-rah.

When she opened the letter, she decided that if God wasn't out to
get her specifically, then He had it in for reporters in general.

In sum total, it said that she found Hazel, but the situation was
out of her hands.

*No doubt because "Uncle" doesn't want a repeat of the Wicked
Warren situation, even if he WAS the force behind it. He almost
lost control of that one,* she thought with grim amusement as she
pictured LaCroix's unblinking stare fixed on his minion to make
sure she wasn't up to bunny tricks.

The responsible party, the message noted, would contact her. In
time. But there was a price to pay for it. The next move was up to
a certain reporter. Don't blow it.

*Great. Just great. Rock and a hard place. I'm definitely
Alma-food,* she thought. Not that Janette was an inspiring leader,
but the lifestyle appealed to her. Mostly because she couldn't
AFFORD to live a lifestyle that was even remotely similar.

It was getting dark out. Best to get some shut-eye. THEN she
thought of what Hazel does when it gets dark out. She sniggered.
Whoever was holding the rabbit was in for a loooooong night.

[end of part

---------------[Wednesday, July 6th]----------

Date:         Wed, 6 Jul 1994 16:32:00 EDT
From: LizBeth258@a.......
Subject:      KF Wars II: A mysterious message [part 2/2]-------------------

John was still busy pouring over the files on Nick's notebook when
he first heard it.


He followed the grating metallic noise only to see Hazel
impatiently swinging around a metal wire mesh ball around the cage.
Each succeeding bounce off the bars seemed to inspire a VERY
satisfied look on the rabbit's face.

"GIVE ME THAT!" he growled, snatching it out of the cage.

The rabbit gave him a baleful look and settled into a camel
position, eyeing him warily.

He returned to his computer and was about to settle in the chair
when he heard yet another racket coming from Hazel's cage.


Swearing to chicken fry her in oil, he stomped over to the cage
only so see her, ears flapping, throwing her food dish around the

"FINE! I'll feed you carrots and the lettuce from those blasted
Barneyburgers, then." He yanked the food dish out of her mouth and
put it safely outside of the cage. He was only half-way across the
floor when yet MORE banging was coming from the cage.

Lacking metallic implements to make the satisfying clang signalling
that she wanted to be let out *now* for a run, Hazel had decided to
stamp her back feet in a show of frustration.

Naturally, John, who may be called the Emperor of Harpsichords, but
knew absolutely nothing about rabbits, had no clue what she wanted.

He would have to ignore it as best as he could, which wasn't
terribly well at all. Two hours and a pounding headache later, he
decided that he MIGHT be tempted to try her with mustard sauce, if
only he didn't need to keep her alive.

Later that night, when he tried to get some well-deserved shut-eye,
he discovered what exactly a rabbit sounds like when it snores.

[end of part
Date:         Wed, 6 Jul 1994 13:07:20 -0600
From: John Dencoff <jdencoff@u.......>
Subject:      FKWar2: Mmmm! Barneyburgers![part2/2]------------------------

        Brian awoke to someone pounding at his door.  Good grief,
it must be three in the morning!  As he pulled the door open,
bright lights hit him in the face, so he could barely see who was
        "Hello...Brian Gestrel?  I'm Agent Muldur, and this is my
associate.  We have reason to believe that you are operating a
dangerous computer virus out of your home.  Here's our warrant."
Astounded, Brian let Muldur push his way inside.

        "What's...what's going on?..." he tried to ask.  But the
agents had already made their way into the back rooms of his house.

        "Here's the culprit, Muldur..." one of the agents offered.
It was a small laptop, probably worth thousands of dollars, and it
was connected to Brian's outside telephone line.  As they watched,
a little purple dinosaur danced gaily across the screen singing
love songs.  It was almost painful to watch.

        "Sir, it's been downloading copies of this virus for at
least the past five hours...to God knows where," another agent
replied. "It seems that it has been targeting specific people,
according to an internal e-mail address list that it has... a group
called the knighties, or something...".

        Agent Muldur looked sharply at Brian.  "Well, Mr. Gestrel,
do you have an explanation?"

                *               *               *

        John read through his mail...a note from Sandye about
LizBeth's rabbit.  Goodness, these pet-owners can sure be defensive
about their pets, he thought.  I wonder how she figured out it was
me who took Hazel.  "Oh well, we all must be prepared to pay for
our mistakes...and maybe this can be used to my advantage.  Or
maybe LaCroix's advantage anyway..."

        Rapidly, he typed out a response to Sandye:

        TO: Cousin Sandye
        FROM: The Emperor of Harpsichords

        I certainly hope you didn't tell LizBeth that I have her
        rabbit.  Anyway, it's safe.  We should use this to
        turn LizBeth to our side.  A little bribery, perhaps...?
        Uncle seemed to think we could salvage the situation
        without having to immediately turn the rabbit over.
        More details later...this rabbit could be more important
        than I originally thought.  It could be used as a
        dramatic and rather ironic counterpiece to remind people
        about the Wicked Warren and not get *them* involved
        More details later...it could really be a master play!


Then a quick note to Cousin Margaret:

        TO: Cousin Margaret
        FROM: The Emperor of Harpsichords

        Hey, cuz!  I've secured the rabbit!  This could really be
        Apparently, LizBeth contacted Sandye about it.  Sandye just
        wrote me, saying she wanted it returned...
        More details later...don't forget to meet me in Denver, CO
        next week!!


[end of part

Cousin John
 Emperor of Harpsichords
Date:         Wed, 6 Jul 1994 16:03:05 18000
From: Valerie Meachum <vmeachum@f.......>
Subject:      FKWars2: Dino-Therapy...

There. It was complete.  Once the envelopes arrived, any Mac-using
NatPacker or Knightie with the capability to run QuickTime movies
needed only a little double-click for a welcome bit of cheer and
confidence.  The rest had to go to slightly more trouble, pop in
the tape marked "For Medicinal Use Only" into the VCR and starting
it from the beginning; but the relevant few moments were on each
tape several times, so it wouldn't be too inconvenient.

"Let those Cousins *try* that tactic this time!" Valerie smugly
challenged the deserted BalletMet administrative offices as she
disconnected the VCR from Marketing/PR's pretty new PowerPC, which
she had learned from Sharon H could grab video bits straight off
the tape.  It was rather a large file, and she set to work
crunching it into a self-extracting archive so it would fit on
disks for her compatriots.

One more test run.  Valerie clicked on the "play" button, and sat
back to observe with vicarious satisfaction the abuse heaped on a
goofy animated orange dinosaur of unmistakable origins by the
Warner Brothers and Their Sister Dot.  That hated melody took on a
delightful resonance as the digitized cartoon san the last line...

"I stand still for the Anvil Song!"   KLANNNGGGG!!!!

Armed with this image, no bright soul would be cowed by Cousin-sent
The Bad Penny      *      Valerie Lynn Meachum
Date:         Mon, 4 Jul 1994 15:17:43 EDT
From: Tokaara@a.......
Subject:      Friends of Sidney on Alert


As soon as he heard the garage door close, Gandalf pounced on
Merlin.  "Wake up, little brother," he hissed.

Merlin meowed loudly in protest.  "Hey, watch it!  You could stand
to lose a little weight, you know."  He paused, licking a paw and
grooming the fur back into place on his head.  "What's so important
that you had to interrupt my nap?"

"You remember that little problem I told you about?"

"Which problem?"

"On the computer.  The <war> has started."

"What ... oh, the <war>.  How do you know?"

"She thinks I'm just being cute when I jump on her lap, but I've
been reading her e-mail.  This morning I saw a message ..."

"So it's time, then."  Merlin rose to all fours and stretched as
only a cat can.

"You got it.  We have to get in touch with Sidney and make sure he
knows what's going on."  Gandalf jumped down from the living room
chair and headed for the stairs.

"Hey, big brother, how can we do that?"  Merlin leapt down to

"I know her logon and password.  Now that she's leaving the office
door open, all we have to do is turn on the computer and the modem
and away we go."

The two felines climbed the stairs and went into the home office.
Gandalf leapt onto the couch and proceeded across the desk to the
computer.  He nudged the power buttons for the computer, monitor,
and modem with his nose, then hopped down into the chair to wait
for the system to boot up.

The sound of Uncle's voice coming from the speakers made Merlin
jump.  "Can't we do something about that Windows start-up sound?"
he complained to his companion.

"Then she'd know we'd been at this thing.  Do you really want that?
You know how the Cousins get."  Gandalf concentrated on getting the
America On-Line software active.  "We can send something to the
list, but we'll have to put her sig on it.  Cousin 'Tok', indeed!"

"You can't leave humans alone for a moment, can you?  I mean,
they're <always> getting into trouble.  Where would they be without
us to clean things up for them?"  Merlin wondered aloud.

"Once we get in touch with Sidney, everything will be fine.  It's
always up to us cats, isn't it?  Now let's see, what was that
e-mail address?"

| Lisa Luksus                        tokaara@a....... |
| Cousin 'Tok'                                       |
| That which does not kill me had better be able to  |
| run away damn fast!                                |
Date:         Thu, 7 Jul 1994 13:43:00 EDT
From: 'Most Holy <OTTER@d.......>
Subject:      FKWAR II- A FOSsil enters the fray [part 2/2]-----------------

                   A FOSsil Enters the Fray
The next day as the chocolate colored UPS van drove up to the USC
library, Cousin Lisa glanced out her cluttered office and thought,
"Ah, the UPS Woman, always a welcomed sign.  UPS never brings bad
news."  She reached for her snack, "Is this a librarian cliche or
what?"  Taking a sip of cinnamon tea and reaching for her blueberry
muffin, Lisa hoped it the UPS lady would have something for her.

When the delivery-woman left, Cousin Lisa started to open the
package before noticing the package had no return address that she
could place.  "DC, hmm?  Maybe Cousin Buffy sent those
Inter-Library Loan materials that I had trouble tracking down.  But
from a seminary?"

As Lisa grabbed the log-book from the shelf to take down the
invoice number, she thought, "I really must try to get up to DC
while the Folk Life Festival is going on.  Maybe after the war."

Years later the staff at the library would still refer to what
followed as Lisa opened the package to as, "The Scream."

After dropping the rubber snake into the box and heaving it into
the hallway, Lisa grabbed her keyboard and alerted the Cousins of
a FOSsil prankster.  "And I thought Merlin was the only PITA on the
list!  I've never heard of this 'Most Holy, but perhaps someone
else has..."
[end of part
Humbly submitted by a FOSsil,

'Most Holy

Date:         Thu, 7 Jul 1994 15:08:43 EDT
From: Lisa McDavid <D020214@u.......>
Subject:      FKwars2: Family Feud Does Not Include Felines

Subj: Thank you!
From: Tizzie, Bama, Java and Mocha <D020214@u.......

Lisa told us the snake was from your human. We're sure 'Most Holy
never thought of that on his own! We *love* it!! It even wiggles
like a snake when we pounce on it.

Lisa came home and fed us all tuna for supper because she was so
happy at being moved out of the cross-training program in
Acquisitions. It seems she had wanted to be in Interlibrary Loan
(where she has a Canadian friend who used to live in Toronto and is
a potential FK convert). Well, after she ran amuck with the fire-ax
UPS refused to deliver anything to the library ever again if she
was on duty in the loading dock. Computer Services wouldn't have
her after she chopped up all those cables because she thought they
were snakes. They had to keep her in Cataloging, though. Something
about a friend who is one of the University trustees.

She's so happy she's even told us all about her practice sessions
in Interlibrary Loan. We're beginning to be afraid she may have
been really unhinged by the snake, because she keeps bursting into
hysterical laughter and rolling on the floor, while clutching a
scrap of paper. Java, who is good at knocking over waste paper
baskets and retrieving the contents, fished it out after she left.

It says:

Patron: <something we can't read, because it's got a hole in it
where Mocha played hockey with it>

Address: Some place in DC; it's torn, too.

E-Address:  Otter@drycas (another rip)

Wanted by July 8th

Special Instructions: Ship by priority mail, patron will reimburse.

QL666.O6 (Snakes, zoology), SF459.S5 (venoms)

615.942 (venoms), Serpentes 639.366, 639.146 (culture and hunting),
597.96 (zoology)

And she sent Larry a message to say that she might not actually
kill Alexandra since he had been so nice about the program to put
in Interlibrary Loan Requests for everything in those numbers from
all lenders on OCLC.

Oh, well, it probably doesn't matter. She always tells people that
she can't be sane or her immediate family wouldn't consist of four

Tizzie (who knows how to use the computer), Bama, Java and Mocha

Cousin Lisa (Probably on the wrong side of the blanket)
Lisa McDavid d020214@u.......  (bitnet)
             d020214@u.......  (internet)

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